A deeply sarcastic humorous Blog

Glorius College

2008-08-25T07:41:00.000-07:00

Great News!!! I have started college. That's right in case I already was feeling old tired and worn out there is absolutely nothing compared with watching 18-20 year olds saunter around with their firm skin and taunt bellies. Damn them! In fact never mind the damn them part, they don't really appreciate it anyways. They will discover one day after children that things NEVER go back! At least I can mentally feel superior, cause oh my god, you have got to be kidding me! I have never been more disappointed at the American school system in my life, I have heard in the past 2 weeks the most ignorant statements ever. One awesome girl referred to another as "white" the girl was in fact Spanish ( as in from Spain), the girl explains that she is from Spain and the first girls says " oh so your Mexican". Dear Lord kill me know. I am curious what happened in between elementary school and now for these poor kids, because as far as I can tell the only thing they learned was driving and texting. Speaking of texting PUT DOWN THE DAMN PHONE IN CLASS. Not an extremely hard or difficult concept ( apparently that is where I am wrong) class costs money, class = job, job=money which pays for class, all you have to do is pay attention. I want to kick some of these kids out of class myself. I love to hear "I forgot my Homework" never a good excuse, you didn't forget 3 pounds of makeup or to spend 30 minutes flat ironing you hair or your cell phone for that matter, so of course the teacher understands that you forgot your homework. The other thing that I love is to base a persons character solely on how easy they make life for you as in " I don't like our teacher she seems mean she gave us sooooo much homework". Because meanness is the actual technical reason that you have homework, not that there are certain things that must be accomplished in the course or concepts that must be taught and reinforced, no it simply meanness a teachers desire to watch her students suffer. I think that all parents should send their children out for a minimum of 6 months manual labor ( with minimum wage) and they should be forced to provide their own housing at that time,after the 6 month point we should then allow them to enter our colleges with a promise that if they don't graduate within 6 months of the appointed time they will return to the manual labor. Part of the money that colleges receive from the government should be a grant to provide the phone thingy that they have at the hospital that makes your phone not work. I guess I just find it irritating for someone to be so flippant with something I thought I had lost the chance to do.

NEw Member of The TEAM!!!! Continued

2008-08-05T06:24:00.000-07:00

Oh the glorious wonder that is NG. I think I am going to require some kind of strong psychiatric drugs. NG is here perky and in your face. I hate how people think that using your name many many many times strengthens your bond and makes you closer, it does not! It is highly irritating, equivalent to having someone repeat everything you say. NG is so pleased to have learned every ones name that apparently he felt no need to learn anything else. We had built a little cubicle around NG, I thought it was for containment purposes, I guess not. NG sits in his little cubicle and talks incessantly. He feels that it is less lonely if he tells everyone what he is going to do before he does it and the reports with the outcome as soon as he has accomplish what ever little "mission" he was on. I continually use the word little because he is about the size of a full grown 11 year old. NG is determined to have an audience, and it doesn't satisfy him to know that I am stuck in the office and unable to escape the sound of his voice, no he needs to ensure that I know he is about to tell me something. Sounds Like this (NG) "Naomi, Naomi" ( me ) "yessss?" ( NG) " I have been calling this lady, every day for three days every 15 minutes, she told me to stop calling or She will call the police. But you know me ( no I really don't and don't care too) I just keep calling her cause I am going to sell her a car or make her swallow a shotgun. I am not deterred by a little thing like the police I am going to call until the police show up cause you know me I am determined". Then NG feels the need to bring the lord into all this ( NG) " Praise Jesus and Give him the Glory" ( okay I can deal with that) ( NG) " Thank you God for giving me the strength and perseverance to continually call this woman, Thank you lord for helping me to be strong even in the face of adversity". I am not criticizing I am just saying that I do not believe that this was what the Lord meant by what is in the bible. I am now considering calling the police on him myself. ( NG) " Naomi, Naomi" ( me) " YESSSSS?" ( NG) " You know I was thinking I haven't called that Lady in 5 whole minutes cause I was sitting here thanking the Lord I think I will call her". I am now highly considering swallowing a shotgun myself, the idea seems pleasantly tempting ( sarcasm). I am irritated I have work to do, I have phone calls I have to make but NG will never shut up. I think when I come in tomorrow I am going to move NG's cubicle to the parking lot.

NEw Member of The TEAM!!!!

2008-07-28T15:41:00.000-07:00

Sooo00......... Today being Monday you have to know that something awesome was going to happen today. Well I work full time, And we have Hired a "New Guy" and he is a part timer. Now first and foremost you have to remember I am already in violation of the golden rule here, not owning a "wienie" and everything. So the "head honcho" walks in and announces that then NG ( new Guy) will be requiring 1st MY desk, and 2nd a partition ( so that He is not disturbed). Whatever!!! So immediately following this announcement NG walks in, first of all he is 4 foot 11' not a midget but pretty damn close so picking on him is a go!!!! Secondly he is one of those people that is so perky you want to slam his head into a wall, picture a tiny cheerleader on caffeine and crack, good, now you have the idea. NG says "which desk is mine", I say that you will end up having my desk as soon as I move my folders and papers AND computer. So I began the fun process of moving my full time stuff so that the part time guy can have my desk. NG states "I need to get in there" and begins tossing MY stuff onto my new desk, remember he has now been in my office 3 entire minutes. Then he sits down at my computer ( the one I said I was taking with me) ( which is also turned off) and clicking the mouse as fast as his tiny little hamster hands could go. THE COMPUTER IS OFF!!!! Still clicking NG looks at me and states "Naomi!!! My computer is not working, I need you to fix it". What part of not even slightly close to my job are you not getting tiny little man! I then proceed to unplug and remove said computer leaving NG only the monitor, ( he is still clicking the damn mouse). I set My stuff up and our computer savvy guy gets him a computer( fabulous). Think I can ignore NG while grinding my teeth I get Back to work. NG feels that it is important to learn every ones name right off the bat, ( we are just like old friends Huh?). So in His happiest Voice he Says "Naomi, Naomi", ( I look Up) " I need speakers", (oKaaaay Great!). I go back to work, cannot understand why NG feels the need to give me this erroneous information. "Naomi, Naomi" (again, you have got to be kidding me), "I need a chair". At this point the horrifying reality hits me, OH MY GOD!!!!, this flaming idiot thinks that I am his secretary!!!!!!! He proceeds to spend the rest of the Day announcing his needs to everyone. We ignored him. I cannot wait for the partition. Wish me luck for tom morrow.

Fairness

2008-07-25T08:20:00.000-07:00

Okay today lets talk about being fair in relationships. How often do we see females that say "I should be treated like a princess". Women ( and not all of them) expect that they will get flowers, teddy bears chocolate, and their movie paid for, which is absolutely fine.............. if you are willing to treat the other party in the relationship with the same amount of respect. Now I am not proposing that you walk in the door and hand you man flowers, but if he is required to surprise you every once in a while how about a card on his pillow or buy his favorite movie or hell when you know an important game is on when he gets home from work the remote and a drink and sacrifice a little of you "family" time and let him eat in front of the TV that night. If you are such an awesome women and he is lucky to have you, why would you saddle yourself with a man who is not worth the amount of respect that you have for yourself. And why use the term "he's a catch" if the only person in the relationship that will be treated as if they are a "catch" is you? Just a thought. anyways........

Prayer!

2008-07-24T05:28:00.000-07:00

Okay soooo..... today i get an email forward. You can tell this is going to be great already, I know. The email states that this is a prayer that who ever receives the email will be blessed, the catch being if you don't everyone will know that you hate god, are not a "real christian" and blah blah blah. When did we as a people start forwarding emails in lue of actual prayer, understandably it is much more convenient, but come on.
Plus how does it help you or me if i am using someone Else's prayer? And how do we know this is actually a genuine meant from the heart prayer? This is a highly developed plot to involve busy people in extreme moral dilemmas, "do I put aside my work to forward this", " are all the friends that sent this to me going to think I am a bad Christian". GRRRRRR! Stupid email forwards. be sides God know how my prayers really sound and he would be able to tell that it was not me. Mine sound Like this........"Dear god please help me to hold my tongue so I don't get fired today"....( did I lock the door on the house or just pull it closed).... "and help my xwz ( family member) with her xyz(illness)".... ( I don't think I was even the last one out the door, it was the husband)......."and god please help us with the finances so that we can buy a house"......( I don't think hubby locked the door, in fact he never locks the door)......"God please keep our house safe from thieves and robbers and assist my husband in his mental capacity to remember to lock the door amen"

Am i Pregnant?

2008-07-23T16:40:00.001-07:00

What a beautiful Question! To be asked by people who look at you with eager eyes and automatically rub your belly. No not pregnant a little chubby though, but thanks for noticing. It is going to make me feel better when i get home today and stand in front of the mirror practising different ways to suck in my stomach, and not faint at the same time.
Look! All that I am saying is that I dont pet your fat rolls, how about keeping your hands off mine. Were there to actually be a baby in there, I would only feel slightly less comfortable about you touching me. Thank God this is the only question that people actually touch you for. Could you imagine someone grabbing your boobs to see if you had them "done", or for the men how uncomfortable for someone to grab your "manbags" to see if you've been fixed? Please stay safely within your own personal circle and stop touching people. OK? thanks!

Damn Vagina!

2008-07-23T16:33:00.000-07:00

Okay so there is alot to be said for being valued at your job. I failed to realize how much until recently. I am fed up with the way that people treat other people when they feel that whatever they do is more important. Like the guy that treats his receptionist like crap, well news flash, she is the first person that everyone of your customers see, if you ruin her day then that could effect how your customers perceive you and your company forever. First impressions are usually lasting impressions and it is alot easier to prevent a bad impression then to try and correct one. Why is it that people feel they are so superior to everyone else. There is a lot of positions that other people do not want to work but why disregard the person in those positions without them guess who would be forced to do their "unpleasant jobs". I am tired of the "you can do all the work" "but you cant be part of any decisions because you are only a _________". Well guess what I understand that their are managers and team members, but if the only thing that the managers are concerned with is making sure that the employees come to work on time and don't touch the projects then how is the manager not the team members qualified to speak about the project? You know what else is fun to be an office girl, do the work keep you head down, be seen and not heard, mainly because of the job title but secondly because I have a ............VAGINA!!!!! Now I understand that this "vagina" can be a very limiting thing in the business world, but i also know women who have managed to procure years of rent and all the other necessities of life using theirs. Now I know that you guys are automatically thinking Prostitution, nay nay, what I am talking about is women who got married or not, the man kept them cause the sex was good and often and they may or may not live with this man. These are not the type of women that are handed a wad of cash as the man saunters out the door, but rather get their bills paid. Now here is an untapped resource, Vagina! However in my world of an all male business, decisions are made by MEN, that's right the ones when surveyed said that 68% would suck their own wienies if they could! The ones who would put their "wienies" into any hole that looked about the right size, that said stupid things like "you are being a jerk are you on your period", and do not even have the mental and physical strength to lift their head so that they are looking at your face and not your boobs. Yes these genius's have decided that my vagina should render me incapable of making any type of good business decision, Had they been better businessmen they would have realized that Women Between the ages of 27 and 50 have more buying power than men, and maybe market towards what women want. "clearly this statistic was created by a women trying to get their way"! No instead they look at me every time I open my mouth like I have just spoken in Chinese! GRRRRRR! This is great! Now I can follow without question the type of people that think Shaking your parts at a women is foreplay, the people who will pick their nose while at a stoplight and then wave to a hot girl, the ones who have to sleep while holding their genitals "in case". I get up in the morning get 3 people up, dressed, showered, and fed, I work a 8 hour shift where I respond to every Internet inquiry for 300 customers in 2 stores with 6 product lines, I have 8 different lead management tools that I use everyday,I am the only contact that the customer has until they come into the dealership, I clean my house, cook dinner, amuse a 3 year old, and then clean up after dinner, and put everyone to bed. I can run 4 peoples live but am not equipped (with a penis) to speak confidently on what i do every day? I don't understand?